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scalerman
12-18-2008, 09:33 AM
I would like to share custody of the children. Hope to live in the same neighbourhood and have the children attend the same school and keep thier friends. They would stay with me for a week and then a week with thier mom. Hoping to hear from people who have this arrangement and get thier opinions on how it has worked for the children. Are the judges in town keen on this arrangement?

Sweet Little Sister
12-18-2008, 09:40 AM
i think that the children should be given the house and the parents should have to 'move' every week

scalerman
12-18-2008, 09:51 AM
thats an interesting solution and it has its merits. thanks for the reply

$Spendbender$
12-18-2008, 09:52 AM
It works.

but consistency is the key.

Judges are keen on ANYTHING that has the parents' mutual agreement.

If it's a mutual agreement you don't need a Judge/Lawyer's involvement.

givememore
12-18-2008, 09:56 AM
Consistency and routines....routines are a fundamental foundation for children, not changing it up all the time. I say this because I go through this every day with my EX.

Chaotic Chick
12-18-2008, 09:57 AM
It is going to depend on a few things; who the judge is, who the lawyers are, your history of access with the kids, how long it has been that the mother has had custody and if their mother is agreeable at all. Also, it is important to take into consideration the ages of the kids, and how much they want that arrangement. It is definitely a big decision. It works for some families, not so well for others. One thing you can do if you are really interested in doing that is get a lawyer for the kids. My kids saw an excellent lawyer when my ex was asking for joint custody. Children's lawyers are well trained in knowing whether or not that is what is best for the kids.

Chaotic Chick
12-18-2008, 09:58 AM
Consistency and routines....routines are a fundamental foundation for children, not changing it up all the time. I say this because I go through this every day with my EX.

I agree, routine is very important for children, and exes do not always agree on the routines for the children!

kitty&mimi
12-18-2008, 10:03 AM
i think that the children should be given the house and the parents should have to 'move' every week

amen sister!!!

scalerman
12-18-2008, 10:03 AM
The ex says her lawyer thinks its a bad idea. Told her its up to us not the lawyers. They just want to make you fight. I have talked to the children and they like the idea. I didn't know you can get a lawyer for the kids. Is thier a lawyer available to the kids through legal aid?

Chaotic Chick
12-18-2008, 10:05 AM
The ex says her lawyer thinks its a bad idea. Told her its up to us not the lawyers. They just want to make you fight. I have talked to the children and they like the idea. I didn't know you can get a lawyer for the kids. Is thier a lawyer available to the kids through legal aid?

Yes, we did not have to pay for the kids' lawyer. Your lawyer should be able to find one for them. :)

Sweet Little Sister
12-18-2008, 10:06 AM
the lawyer thinks it's a bad idea to have you both close and not have the children change schools or leave friends??

$Spendbender$
12-18-2008, 10:07 AM
Lawyers are a waste of time and money.

Like I said, if you and the ex are in agreement, why would yo even pay a Lawyer????

scalerman
12-18-2008, 10:09 AM
lawyers can smell money

kitty&mimi
12-18-2008, 10:11 AM
it's about the children
so if the lawyer thinks it's a bad idea...then he's the bad idea!

chase_me
12-18-2008, 10:11 AM
my brother has this arrangement with his ex and it works well for them, my niece spends a week at each parents house and then the holidays are split. That does not mean one cannot/doesn't have the kids extra days for special things but the basis is 1 week with him 1 with her

scalerman
12-18-2008, 10:11 AM
want to keep the lawyers away would just like to know if this option has worked for other people and if the kids had a good and healthy experience

Babzz
12-18-2008, 10:14 AM
Childrens lawyers are hard on the kids.. Trust me I know.
Try to avoid them if possilbe.
My ex hired one and is still paying for it.. It was a complete waste of time. My son wanted to be with me and my x knew it. He can have access anytime he wants it, but has not seen my boy since August.. Sad :(
I have even invited him in my home so he can hang out with him here and he refused.. His loss, but my sons loss too unfortunately :(

scalerman
12-18-2008, 10:22 AM
thanks for the replys. I'm trying to weigh my needs angainst the needs of my children. They like the idea of 2 homes and being with thier dad for a week at a time but if it causes too much disruption in thier lives then I will do what is best for them. If that means they live with thier mom then so be it.

Chaotic Chick
12-18-2008, 10:22 AM
Well, having a lawyer for my kids was the only option, and I will not get into why. It was not hard on my kids, and things worked out well. In my situation, I had no choice, and I refuse to think I did something wrong when it came to my kids. Their lawyer was great, in fact he was one of the major influences as to why I decided to go into Social Work. He encouraged me to, and my husband and I are very grateful to him.

Babzz
12-18-2008, 10:32 AM
thanks for the replys. I'm trying to weigh my needs angainst the needs of my children. They like the idea of 2 homes and being with thier dad for a week at a time but if it causes too much disruption in thier lives then I will do what is best for them. If that means they live with thier mom then so be it.

Good luck
Your plans sounds ideal if you can have all to agree to it

Trollic
12-18-2008, 10:46 AM
primary custody needs to be determined

Anapeg
12-18-2008, 11:19 AM
My first thought is that it seems disruptive to the kids. Secondly is it not expensive having redundancy in upkeep, IE; cloths and such? Regardless of good intentions you are going to have discrepancies in some areas because each parent has differing values. It seems it might lead to an unnecessary burden on the youngsters, is all.
Please don't misinterpret my questions or opinions as condemnation for I've never, thankfully been involved in such a matter. It's merely me thinking, and offering as asked.

$Spendbender$
12-18-2008, 11:28 AM
My first thought is that it seems disruptive to the kids. Secondly is it not expensive having redundancy in upkeep, IE; cloths and such? Regardless of good intentions you are going to have discrepancies in some areas because each parent has differing values.


While not "ideal" it's not as disruptive as you might think, as for the cost of upkeep, Id say that you can't put a price on the opportunity for the children to spend as much time as possible with BOTH parents. As for discrepancies in parenting, you'll have that when the parents live in the same house. It's a matter of the parents being grown-up enough to reach an agreement on rules, routines, etc. and how they will be carried out in BOTH homes.

again..I can't express enough the importance of consistancy people.

Anapeg
12-18-2008, 11:47 AM
I do totally agree on consistency. When sharing a home, you share, but when separate you are the 'authority' as it were. While our kids where at home my Bride and I posed a consistent authority to the kids BUT if I or she disagreed, we would wait for an opportune time and take it up with the other person. You can't undermine the other parents authority in front of the little buggers or they will rip your throats out. I suppose with the best interests in mind, it can work although it must still cause confusion. I'm on your side and hope it works for all.

EyelashExtensions
12-18-2008, 12:57 PM
Joint custody is happening more and more in the Sault. I have a friend and it was court ordered that it be joint custody, she didn't want that but her ex did. Now she loves it and thinks its a great idea. The kids also like it. I think by being in the same area, keeping them at the same school, same friends is VERY responsible of both of you. You are actually doing what your children seem to want not what one of you want.

$Spendbender$
12-18-2008, 01:26 PM
You can't undermine the other parents authority in front of the little buggers or they will rip your throats out. I'm on your side and hope it works for all.


Truer words were never spoken! They have that natural born DIVIDE AND CONQUER instinct. They're malicious little beggers when they want to be.

And thanks, it's been 2 1/2 years and so far, it's working for our families.

blueeyedgirl
12-18-2008, 03:21 PM
I know someone whose children are now teenagers. They both did not live in the same school district so they decided what school in the one parents district that the child was to attend. The the other parent who was not in that district drove the kids to school during their time with the children. They way they had it set up thought was two weeks at a time. They have had it that way for several years now because they seperated on good terms. The mother had been thanks by her children for the arrangement that they were able to grow up in. I think that shared custody has more pros then cons then a parent who gets to see their children every weekend or other weekend. Kids are resilitent. Once it before part of their routine it is normal to them.

P.S.
12-18-2008, 03:56 PM
My sister and her ex had this arrangement. They lived 3 blocks from one another. The kids were able to go to the same school, had access to both parents, alternated weekly to each parents house. They had clothes and toys at both houses.

It worked for my sister. I hope it works out for you too.

You might consider a joint amount( or account?)for clothes and extra curricular activities for the kids so that one parent is not paying for all the things.

Both parents must set aside any outward animosity towards each other and work to the common goal of raising their children jointly to the best of their abilities for this to work.

my2cents
12-18-2008, 08:49 PM
I share joint custody of my daughter with my ex. This is not court appointed, it's parent appointed. We decided that it was best for her to be at each others houses half time, meaning half a week at each parents, and goes to a school that is within the exes district where she can walk and is driven to school from my house. We stay flexible to each others needs and change it up when needed due to schedules for work an such. We are considerate of each other when it comes to holidays to make it easier for our daughter to function and not have to pick sides per say. Overall it works well for us and has been going on for years now.