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View Full Version : Help! need your opinions about an abusive situation



gouligann
12-30-2009, 06:24 AM
Some open minded opinions needed:

Friends of ours have a very nice son who has been dating a girl for 2 1/2 years. She's very nice to his parents, and they like her a lot, but they recently heard from another reliable person that when she gets drunk, she gets verbally aggressive and then hits her boyfriend.(their son)

Do his parents step in and confront her, or mind their own business? They know their son would never hit her back, so that isn't the issue here. The issue is what they should do or say to her?

This sounds like it will only get worse as the relationship proceeds if the abuse isn't stopped now.

I think they should step in and talk to both of them, but I want all of your opinions...

everywoman
12-30-2009, 06:30 AM
If it was my son I would talk to him about it. Most people wouldn't hesitate if they thought their daughter was being smacked around, so I see no reason to not speak up to the son. Abuse is abuse. And if this is true, then they both obviously need some help. But then again, I'm kind of a say it like it is parent. I don't believe in sugar coating or turning a blind eye. Confront the issue/problem and deal with it. Nothing good ever came from sweeping stuff under the proverbial rug.

gouligann
12-30-2009, 09:07 AM
Thanks, that's what I told them too when they asked what they should do about it.

I thought I'd ask on here to see what the majority says.

dancingqueen
12-30-2009, 09:14 AM
I agree with everywoman, talk to him about it first. And if nothing changes about that, perhaps it's time for mommy to go pay a little visit to the darling girlfriend.

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 09:15 AM
I'm with EW. But I will add that age has something to do with it. If my son was 16 or 17 I would be much more insistent that he tell me what's going on than if he were 20 or 21. As far as the girl goes, it also might be a good idea to find out a few things about her family. Maybe even get to know them a little under the guise of 'getting to know them a bit, as parents often do anyway. It might be a good way to learn some things he may not be willing to divulge. This sort of behaviour is very often inherited.

Macs II
12-30-2009, 09:19 AM
the son is a wimp ..he needs to stand up ...nothing the parents could say will make him do that if he hasn't done it already

dancingqueen
12-30-2009, 09:22 AM
the son is a wimp ..he needs to stand up ...nothing the parents could say will make him do that if he hasn't done it already

we wouldn't expect you to think anything different :wink:

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 09:22 AM
the son is a wimp ..he needs to stand up ...nothing the parents could say will make him do that if he hasn't done it already

This from a man who is afraid of chihuahuas ;)

Evil Monkey
12-30-2009, 09:22 AM
A woman has no right to talk to a man like that or hit him!:wink:

Macs II
12-30-2009, 09:23 AM
I eat chihuahuas for breakfast

bluekrissyspikes
12-30-2009, 09:24 AM
i agree with everyone. they need to talk to their son but at the same time HE needs to grow a set and do something to make her stop or leave. if it's only when she's drinking maybe some rehab is in order. either way, the parents won't be able to get the situation under control for him, only he can do that.

Anapeg
12-30-2009, 09:33 AM
Love is not only blind, it is deaf, dumb, and stupid. Until his eyes see what others see, FOR GET IT! Make him aware, and stick by to help pick up the pieces.
As to circumventing the male. Don't even entertain the idea. You go through him not around. She is his choice and he WILL defend her even though he may well agree with your estimations because you go one on one with "her".
Also be aware that he may enjoy her behavior at some level and then you stand to alienate him for challenging his views of right or wrong.
My kids guidance was terminated when they moved out. If they approach me and ask, trust me I'm in there like ugly on an ape. If the questions never is asked nor the subject broached, I never tread that ground.
You can't help a person up without them reaching out a hand to you first.

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 09:34 AM
I eat chihuahuas for breakfast

Chihuahua McMuffin?

Ok - I won't disrupt the thread anymore. Promise :zip:

dancingqueen
12-30-2009, 09:37 AM
It's interesting to think how different this thread would have been if the genders where different.

Anapeg
12-30-2009, 09:38 AM
I eat chihuahuas for breakfast

As in "fur burgers"?

icecapp
12-30-2009, 09:39 AM
The only thing that comes to mind when I read this is,

1, would he be in denial? about this
2, embarressed? to tell his parents
and 3, he may just end up hidding it like he has cause he is embarressed and in a denial stage.

DONT matter how close you are with your mom and dad if you have them feelings, TRUST ME, YOU HAVE Denial and are embarressed. (sp)

MaO3
12-30-2009, 09:39 AM
I too agree with all but MK II.

How old is this young man? And will he talk openly to his parents?

The parents should definately talk to the young man and see if he'll open up to them. If not perhaps they need to inlist the help of a trusted friend, someone who the young man will talk to.
Abuse is abuse and if she's violent with him, it will only lead to trouble down the road.

I knew a guy who's GF was abusive, he went to jail three times for domestic violence when even in front of witnesses she hit him. The cops always assumed he hit her and took her word for it.

This boy needs to get out now, in my opinion.

Anapeg
12-30-2009, 09:44 AM
The only thing that comes to mind when I read this is,

1, would he be in denial?

NO, silly. He is in Goulais not Egypt.

MaO3
12-30-2009, 09:50 AM
NO, silly. He is in Goulais not Egypt.


LOL Anapeg - that was cute. :)

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 10:00 AM
I knew a guy who's GF was abusive, he went to jail three times for domestic violence when even in front of witnesses she hit him. The cops always assumed he hit her and took her word for it.

This boy needs to get out now, in my opinion.

You make an excellent point. As does DQ. It is very interesting how stereoptyped this behaviour is. MA is totally right - if there is abuse involved, don't even think about therapy and all that, just get out because at that age it's only going to get worse and beleive me, the physical thing is only the tip of the iceberg.

But I really can't say enough, just inviting the girls' parents out for coffee or dinner and getting to know them a little will shed some real light on things in ways you may never get from your son. Try steering the conversation toward gender roles and stuff like that, without being too controversial. Just think of it as a fishing expedition and remember, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

MaO3
12-30-2009, 10:01 AM
the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

At our house we say the apple doesnt ROT far from the tree! :)

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 10:02 AM
At our house we say the apple doesnt ROT far from the tree! :)

LOL

And that's literally true at mine, but the bears clean all that up for me anyway.

Strife
12-30-2009, 10:03 AM
It's interesting to think how different this thread would have been if the genders where different.

Oh I dont doubt that this thread would be a complete 180 degrees. Here we have many people say "Talk to the son about it" but if it were the son abusing the girlfriend, many would cry for vigilante justice and even toss out things like "Oh if I see that little <insert expletive here>, I will <insert crazy action here that would result in jail time>

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 10:06 AM
Oh I dont doubt that this thread would be a complete 180 degrees. Here we have many people say "Talk to the son about it" but if it were the son abusing the girlfriend, many would cry for vigilante justice and even toss out things like "Oh if I see that little <insert expletive here>, I will <insert crazy action here that would result in jail time>

Which is why MKII's original comment was redundant.

Macs II
12-30-2009, 10:13 AM
I would say the same thing if a woman was being abused .....she would have to stand up herself ....you can only be abused if you allow it

Barry Morris
12-30-2009, 10:26 AM
we wouldn't expect you to think anything different :wink:

Think???

Barry Morris
12-30-2009, 10:27 AM
Some open minded opinions needed:

Friends of ours have a very nice son who has been dating a girl for 2 1/2 years. She's very nice to his parents, and they like her a lot, but they recently heard from another reliable person that when she gets drunk, she gets verbally aggressive and then hits her boyfriend.(their son)

Do his parents step in and confront her, or mind their own business? They know their son would never hit her back, so that isn't the issue here. The issue is what they should do or say to her?

This sounds like it will only get worse as the relationship proceeds if the abuse isn't stopped now.

I think they should step in and talk to both of them, but I want all of your opinions...

Simple solution for her. Don't drink.

Works for me.

dancingqueen
12-30-2009, 10:31 AM
Simple solution for her. Don't drink.

Works for me.

an even simpler one...
don't hit people... works for me ;)

gouligann
12-30-2009, 11:05 AM
I know a bit about her parents (now separated) They were a rough couple in their younger years, and am thinking that she probably grew up watching some abuse going on between them. I agree with everone who says that this is a learned behaviour.

I also agree that she shouldn't drink, but try to tell someone that! I have a drinker in my family and you might as well tell them to fly to the moon. Only if they want to quit drinking, do they quit.

Their son is about 22 or 23 and he's not a whimp. He is also very private about his affairs, and they've told me won't open up to the parents unless they force an issue. I think he loves her, but yes love is blind. If he wants to continue this relationship, I think he needs to stand up more against her verbally, and give her an ultimatum but he'll have to figure that out himself or just keep taking it.

Anapeg, I like your advice. Makes a lot of sense. If the parents do decide to talk to him, they'll have to feel him out and back off if he's feeling threatened by the conversation.

Yes how different all this would be if it was a man hitting a woman. Sad, but true.
Thanks everyone for your input.

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 11:18 AM
I would say the same thing if a woman was being abused .....she would have to stand up herself ....you can only be abused if you allow it

MK you are both right and wrong. Yes, the abused person needs to eventually deal with the situation themselves, however it may be harder than you think. If you are truly intrested in the subject and not just going for shock value with your comments I suggest you read up a little on the Stockholm Syndrome as it applies to physical, mental and emotional abuse. Abuse can be a very insidious thing and even people who are 'strong' are not exempt from being victims, depending on the situations.

Giggle Squirt
12-30-2009, 11:21 AM
man hitting woman/woman hitting man neither situation result in a healthy relationship weather or not he/she loves the other person. People who are physically/mentally and emotionally abusive usually don't stop at one person. It usually starts to escalate. Not saying this is the case but if she dosn't get the help she needs then imagine what could come if she had children and had no problem standing up to a man? Not saying that it will happen but just think about how it can escalate.

gouligann
12-30-2009, 12:07 PM
man hitting woman/woman hitting man neither situation result in a healthy relationship weather or not he/she loves the other person. People who are physically/mentally and emotionally abusive usually don't stop at one person. It usually starts to escalate. Not saying this is the case but if she dosn't get the help she needs then imagine what could come if she had children and had no problem standing up to a man? Not saying that it will happen but just think about how it can escalate.


Yikes, how true and that's a whole new bad ballgame. I'm glad this is happening without children in the picture (as of yet)

gouligann
12-30-2009, 12:11 PM
MK you are both right and wrong. Yes, the abused person needs to eventually deal with the situation themselves, however it may be harder than you think. If you are truly intrested in the subject and not just going for shock value with your comments I suggest you read up a little on the Stockholm Syndrome as it applies to physical, mental and emotional abuse. Abuse can be a very insidious thing and even people who are 'strong' are not exempt from being victims, depending on the situations.

I had a girlfriend being smacked around and verbally abused by her boyfriend. She kept listening to him that she was nothing without him and he kept her thinking that she was to blame. It happens gradually and abused people get to the point where they believe it IS their fault, that they have to try harder to be a good person.

I am SO thankful that she finally got out of that relationship.

Anapeg
12-30-2009, 12:17 PM
A proven analogy; Allow an abused dog into a room with a few people in it and the dog will migrate toward the abuser to garner a response, hopefully positive. People differ only slightly. Once all self esteem is removed and you believe yourself the problem you feel your treatment justified and warranted.

Dragonfly
12-30-2009, 12:21 PM
Well, as someone else said, if this was a daughter the crap would hit the fan. Do not treat it as anything less than an abusive relationship. Talk to him about it, even if he does not respond, he WILL take it with him.

If I were him, once I recognized the behaviour for what it was, I would try to stick with it and give her help. If she refused the help, I would refuse to let her have me. Getting him to this stage will take some work more than likely.

Maybe go straight for the shins and say that if it continues she will not be welcome in your home, that he will be allowed whenever he wants but her feet never cross your door matt. Maybe then he will see things differently?

NewCasa
12-30-2009, 02:22 PM
I had a girlfriend being smacked around and verbally abused by her boyfriend. She kept listening to him that she was nothing without him and he kept her thinking that she was to blame. It happens gradually and abused people get to the point where they believe it IS their fault, that they have to try harder to be a good person.

I am SO thankful that she finally got out of that relationship.

I'm glad she's out of it too. Guys that do things like that make me sick. They just never seem to get the idea that you can't OWN people.

1337
12-30-2009, 03:21 PM
Next time she hits him, tell him to lay her out.

Oh wait.. that will only work if it was the guy hitting the girl and you tell the girl to lay him out.

A*lil*Loopy
12-30-2009, 03:50 PM
My advice.........yep, I'm going to give it.
Don't say anything on here because something will get misunderstood and then there will be a big blow up and.......... whammo!
Then next thing you know, her parents will be stalking you on here and sending you PMs about how immature you are. Or saving what you say to freak out about it when they need something to do.

You'll just have to trust me on this one.

It is probably her issue with alcohol that leads to her getting abusive, face it, some people aren't mature about drinking. It is possible she uses it as an excuse for her behaviour also and her behaviour may be a result of how she grew up (she may not understand how others behave in same situations).

Best of luck to the young couple to address their issues in a mature manner so as to save their relationship without law enforcement.

axalon2003
12-30-2009, 07:20 PM
This is a hard issue to deal with, whether it's a man or woman being roughed up.
First things first. "Recently heard from another reliable person" is not the same as "I saw for my self" or "my son told me." The parents need to find out for sure. A good way to do that is to ask. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then he isn't ready and that's his choice (just like she is, if I may borrow the line). As long as they let him know that if/when he is ready to talk about him they will be there and support him, then as far as they can take it.
Second, I am fairly sure that if this was about a guy smacking a girl around, there would be a sign up sheet for a lynch mob floating around, and that is unfortunately a sad fact of life. We all agree that it's wrong, but we would all react more strongly and with a unified voice of outrage if it was a man abusing a woman.

blueboy
12-30-2009, 07:32 PM
Really nobodies business

1337
12-30-2009, 07:45 PM
Really nobodies business

It has to be someones business. The OP didn't make it anyone's business, they just asked their advice.

You can't really brush off violence, because it isn't someone's business.

axalon2003
12-30-2009, 09:29 PM
Well said T-Pot. If you ignore it, you allow it to be accepted as status quo.

dancingqueen
12-30-2009, 09:53 PM
Really nobodies business

you know there was a time when child abuse was considered nobody's business...

Dragonfly
12-30-2009, 09:56 PM
Really nobodies business

I'm really shocked at this comment...

$Spendbender$
01-03-2010, 11:45 AM
Oh....but the last few comments are rather interesting....hmmmm....

..seems we have some hypocrites in our midst. (not directed at the last few posters)

I just had a similar conversation very recently. I assure you, stepping in to stop the abuse for the benefit of both the abuser and the victim will make you VERY unpopular - believe me, I speak from experience on this.

Bottom line: You CAN'T NOT do something about this. One hundred percent of the time the victim does not want the abuse to continue but is powerless to stop it and has no idea how to make it end. That is what perpetuates it and enables it to continue. It isn't until someone steps in and throws a wrench into the works that things change.

Someone much wiser than I once said "if things don't change, they'll just have to stay the same". Think about it, it makes sense.

Most will say "keep your nose out of it, mind your business." I lost friends because I REFUSED to "keep my nose out of it". Would I do it again? Absolutely - in a heartbeat!!

To be honest though, anyone who would shun me for helping the victim(s) of abuse is not someone I want to be friends with anyway.

1337
01-03-2010, 11:47 AM
Well, you could do nothing, and when you are at the persons funeral you can say "I should've done something".

$Spendbender$
01-03-2010, 11:49 AM
Yes.

Live with THAT.

GRUMPY
01-03-2010, 01:09 PM
might be one of the reasons cops hate domestic violence calls.
I'd rather feel stupid at their funeral than to have them feel bad at mine.

You can not help somebody till they want the help.

$Spendbender$
01-03-2010, 02:45 PM
C'mon Grumpy. Like I said, every victim wants help, they just don't know how/when/where to ask for it. You can't sit idly by and wait for every victim to ask for help, because by the time they do, it's usually already too late.

Besides, I was speaking more in terms of children and perhaps the elderly who can't always speak for themselves.