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NativeMomma
02-04-2010, 11:53 PM
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred
to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that
the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies
from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the
large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the
toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a
warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a
red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what
I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when
you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to
return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to have to repaint the
store.

DeleteAccout
07-20-2010, 04:25 AM
Awe that's just nasty.





Me Likey :)