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Thread: Home Depot

  1. #1
    Senior Member NativeMomma's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    I Am Right Behind You...Can You See Me

    Default Home Depot

    WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
    course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
    prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
    going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the
    point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
    you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my
    intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred
    to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
    when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
    refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
    selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
    It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that
    the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
    I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
    us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies
    from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
    bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the
    large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the
    toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a
    warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
    enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
    recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
    escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
    part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a
    red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
    reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.
    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what
    I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
    could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked
    into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
    that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
    there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward
    off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
    laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
    burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
    later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
    robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
    through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
    praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
    ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
    middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging
    sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when
    you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
    filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
    approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
    minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
    The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
    ought to take care of the problem.'

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
    escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
    cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
    YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
    unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
    to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
    to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
    over the whole matter. *******s claim they're going to have to repaint the

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Sault Ste. Marie, ON

    Default Re: Home Depot

    Awe that's just nasty.

    Me Likey

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