"Taoism:
**** happens.

Buddhism:
If **** happens, it's not really ****.

Islam:
If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism:
**** happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism:
Why does this **** always happen to us?

Hinduism:
This **** happened before.

Catholicism:
**** happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna:
**** happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism:
Send more ****.

Atheism:
No ****.

Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, **** happens.

Hedonism:
There's nothing like a good **** happening.

Christian Science:
**** happens in your mind.

Agnosticism:
Maybe **** happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism:
Let's smoke this ****.

Existentialism:
What is **** anyway?

Stoicism:
This **** doesn't bother me."